Good evening, I’m okay… just feel the need to spill .
Gentlemen —sorry about last night. I posted I’d be around and then I wasn’t, and I honestly thought my night was going to line up better than it did. Which, okay, life happens. I had an old friend hit me up and I ended up heading to Kansas to see him, and it turned into this long, weird conversation instead of the night I thought it would be—because things stopped the moment he implied he wasn’t feeling it. Anyway, I got interested in the conversation more than I’d expected, and it’s been a long time since I felt safe enough to talk about what’s going on in my life.
I’m suffering, like, everyday—shame on shame, and the emotional wear and tear that slowly kills you inside. One side of society just doesn’t care, and the other part stays in their lane because they’ve got consequences to think about. But I don’t hate the ones who don’t get involved, I just resent the heartless part that doesn’t give a fuck. Cool.
Wait — I know how I’m coming off in what I’m writing isn’t exactly turning anyone on, or making you want to come see me if you’re still even reading this, and I get it. I’m not out here trying to play the hero or ask for a handout. This is total confession, the truth about what I’ve done, and yeah, I know I’m a victim in some ways too… but that also doesn’t magically erase how I was wrong when I didn’t know and then started to know and still played dumb.
I’ve got confusion because I’m not always true to myself. I run on faking it, then I get corrected, then I tell myself I didn’t know—like I really did mean it, if I would’ve known back then I would’ve made different choices, better ones. And I can’t go back to change time, so it’s just me trying to figure out how to trust myself again, because when you don’t trust yourself, you don’t feel safe, and if I can’t defend myself or trust anyone else… then what am I even doing here.
At this point I’m not expecting anyone to come rushing in and fix it. There’s a lot I can’t change about my fate, and I’m not looking for a captain-savior thing or an “I’ll take care of you” situation. Which, okay—another guy was going to see me last night, I’ve known him for a while, and even though he didn’t pay me and kinda got over on me, I still feel like he’s not all the way bad. We had a deep conversation too, and I appreciated that more than whatever dollar amount would’ve come out of it… then I left and he insulted me saying my b****** was garbage LOL. But maybe it’s just honesty, maybe we’re not compatible—either way, I’ve got a lot going on.
So I’m trying to keep my spiritual eyes and ears open, and do the best I can, because if I don’t, I’m only hurting myself. I really hope I have enough time to reach my goal, to get content, to be at peace, to have fewer regrets—because I’m trying to accept that I can’t write my wrongs back into being right. It’s been almost 9 years, a lot of people know, even some family, and still nobody can really defend me or help when things turn into abuse and disrespect—because the system won’t allow it, or they’d become a target. I’m alone with this, and justice probably won’t be served the way I want, and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Anyway, I just wanted to share all that today. I’m hoping I get through the weekend okay, and that when I get paid my disability check this month, I’m a little more wise with it so I don’t end up back in the situations that break me down financially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That kind of vulnerability doesn’t feel safe.
God bless, and I hope you all have a good rest of your weekend—seriously.
